About us, the history of the CMNF

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matchbookOur parish is the oldest church of its kind in the world in continuous operation. We are devoted to football, TV and church on Monday nights.

Services started in Forest Grove, Oregon, in the year 1980. A guy named Roger saw the light and felt the heat when playing with matches.

The match book invited him to join a church advertised on the cover. There were options for membership, one of which was “The Deacon Plan.” He talked to his brother Jim who had in mind “a few good fellows and a couple of sore heads” and they decided to get together to “worship.” The rest is holy history.

This statue is what the church is all about. It may be just a recycled trophy to nonbelievers but to the CMNF it is a very coveted recycled trophy given to the winner of the pool each year.

The shimmering figure on top is a winged female (some have speculated a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader) holding a laurel wreath. A laurel wreath traditionally represents wisdom. We are not actually sure of the relevance of all this but we are proud of the reverence we give it. The green represents the turf, natural or artificial upon which the game is played. The white represents the snow that falls upon some fans not smart enough to watch the game on television like we do. The reason the trophy is inscribed “Church of THE Monday . . .” instead of the proper way of saying “THE Church of Monday . . .” represents the foolish worship of the grape (and absence of attention to detail) from the ancients who started passing around the trophy. Not to name names, but Tom Meyer, what were you thinking?

Many are called and covet this beauty but few are chosen.

She is entrusted only to true experts who have done the almost impossible: achieved a final standings rank of first place.

Our most ancient document

The book of matches had an application form inside that was filled in and sent, with money, to some smart cookie in California. For a while ABC broadcast a show with a similar name. He got sued into kingdom come by ABC so maybe he wasn't so smart. We after all have never been sued. But that could be explained by the legal doctrine known as “You can't squeeze blood out of a turnip.”

Anyway, the original matches got burned up and thrown away but in 2008 an obscure religious archaeologist and mundane web master discovered ancient relics similar to the one used by Roger, who came to be known as “The Deacon.” These priceless relics were then framed and given to The Just and The Deacon as thanks for all they did and still do.

Neither of the relics where the actual one used to start up the church. However we do have the actual decades-old document on the right. It is our oldest artifact; it is actually made of paper. (Back in the day, people used a thing called paper to communicate.) Here can be found the original logo and our six commandments. For reasons lost to mankind, there are actually seven. The seventh is called the commandment after. These are words to live by, if you don’t have a life.

The Six Commandments

I. Thou shalt keep Monday Night Holy . . . and tune in early.

II. Honor thy point spread . . . for it is right on.

III. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's beer.

IV. Thou shalt not commit adultery during halftime highlights.

V. Thou shalt stay tuned until the final gun . . . for the spread may change.

VI. Forgive those who bet against their home team . . . for they know not what they do.




2011Chili Contest Party

chili party

chili party 3

Chili Party Host Grant with Special Guest Jim. Tom “The Bomb” is looking at his twin in the next photo.
Bronco Roger, Tom “The Bomb” and John.
Doomsday, on the right in blue. Grant with crock pot.
In the background: Grant listening to John. In that Duck hoodie, is Tom. And that young guy is Special Guest Jim.
Special Guest, far left, gave insightful talk on the world of professional sports.
Bro. Roger, Grant, Jim, and Bob the B. were the chefs.
This year Bob the B's smoky Rib Eye Chili won and Jim's race car driver recipe came in second. Last year the order of finish was flip flopped.


1976 was in the news during our 2011 season

The Menace was honored. 2nd row on end at right.

And Lee the Tall deserved some credit as coach.

Back row in the middle

Starting with the XLV Super Bowl, the SB logo was to remain the same, featuring the Lombardi Trophy. Only the number would change. This is the NFL’s idea of branding. Not a bad idea, but after 45 years it seems a bit late.

The numerals and the background will change, however. This weakens the whole concept, of course. Wonder what committee came up with the idea. Might as well add the half time show to the logo, too.   Best commercial?


A movie of us

Click to play. Thanks to The Peace for the movie. Speaking of whom . . .

Grant does it again!

Available wherever fine books are sold. Including here for Getaways and here for Getaways II.

The Peace has published several of these books, the popular Grant’s Getaways series.

Grant had been looking for the finest outdoor spots in Oregon. Great recreation areas.

The Peace tells about these groovy getaway places, adds some stone-beautiful photographs by his partner, a world-class photographer, and presents it all in a nicely-bound package. The photos alone are worth the price, and the descriptions make you want to drop everything and go there. Check them out! But do not start reading unless you have a lot of gas in the tank, because you will get away and go, go, go!


Having to do with nothing

Quotes from Marx

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.



Mel, aka Dallas, was the 2003 Winner of the CMNF Axillary Pool.

Here he is trying to change the channel of his impressive TV by using a remote control in the shape of a beer mug. Mel has again claimed VICTORY in the aux. pool narrowly beating out Jake (then known as Mr. Hospi). Every so often he would don his toque—chef ’s hat—and cook side-by-side his uncle The Just. As I was saying, Dallas won and got the glory and Mr. Hospi got nada, zip, zilch, according to the rules of the day.

This was a back-to-back win and it is precedented, as Myles “The Pilgrim” did this, too.

Mel lives along the banks of the mighty Nehalem River just south of Vernonia, Oregon. He and his favorite cat Ellie enjoy football on a 45 inch screen. The dish gives him a perfect picture for all sports. The cat agrees that its purrfect. He’s the biggest Cowboy fan in Vernonia, and maybe the biggest sports fan in Vernonia (pop 700). Mel, not the cat. Mel is kinda tough on TVs. He even lost one to a flood.

  The photographer (our fearless leader) didn’t do “Just-ice” to Mel, getting him with his eyes closed. But he must have been wide awake when he made those winning picks.

Many church members, the Bros. Shores, and hangers on travel to Mel’s for a Super Bowl steak fry. This has been going on since 2000 and has only been delayed once, due to icy conditions.

Opposite of Deacon
“Ideally, I’d like to pick the opposite of Roger by 9.” With these words a member of the auxiliary, Matt, announced his strategy for making picks. One can only assume that he is talking about “ The Deacon” Shores, Founding Brother, and not to be confused with “Bronco Roger.

Sending zingers to fellow church members is almost traditional, like trying to put one over on “The Jovial” (difficult) or trying to make “The Peace” or “The River” Jordan look foolish (all too easy). As “The Just” has said: Roger, you have a reputation to uphold. Now I refer to founding sayings in the good book. The last shall be first and the first shall be last. That is a prophetic revelation that may or may not ever happen.

What are the odds?
Bob “The Coach” and Steve “The Bear” may want to check my math, but here are the facts. You know, of course, that the average margin of victory is about 12 points. That’s common knowledge for an expert. Heck, “Doomsday” has that tattooed on his forearm. But did you know that a spread of exactly 3 points occurs 13% of the time? That is the most common spread. A spread of 7 points occurs once every ten games. A spread of 10 pts. is fairly common: 6% of all Monday Night games have ended with the winning team ahead by 10. But that average margin of victory, 12 pts., happens (drum roll, please) only 1% of the time! (1.17% to be more exact.) Remember you heard it here first. [Note: these calculations are quite old.]

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